Making Arrangements for Children at Christmas
At the beginning of December (although earlier and earlier each year, it seems) our thoughts inevitably turn to Christmas. While this can be a time of joy for many, it can also be a time of dread for separated, or separating, parents, anxious about where the children will be spending time.
While it is always best to be prepared and agree these matters in advance, it is not always possible.
If you find yourself in this position, we have put together a checklist below:
- Be fair, and kind.
Christmas can be an emotional time. The two main days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day can be shared, but does this benefit all parties? There may need to be some give and take, but all decisions should be child focussed. If they are old enough, the children’s wishes, and feelings should also be considered and acted upon, more on this below.
- What is right?
If you do have a court order in place this should cover the arrangements for special occasions such as Christmas. That isn’t to say that you can’t change these arrangements to fit around work patterns etc, but if you agree on these changes, it is worth getting these in writing should there be any confusion over what you have agreed.
There is no hard and fast rule; all families are different, as are their views on Christmas.
It is often the case that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are alternated, year on year, or Christmas Eve and Christmas Day can be combined to limit the upheaval for the children on those days, when they have far more important things on their mind, such as chocolate, games consoles, and presents! It is worth considering that often whatever works for the children, is usually what is ‘right’ in the circumstances.
- Have the children expressed an opinion?
This can be tricky and should be approached with some caution, common sense, and an eye on practicality too.
Subject to their maturity, children from the age of 11/12 often have strong views on how they want to spend their time, and older than this they will generally make their own arrangements. Younger children, however, should not have their views discounted. They can be quite thoughtful about where they want to spend Christmas and they usually want to see both parents as much as they can, so it is then down to the parents to reach an arrangement which meet those criteria.
It is always worth asking the children for their thoughts, but they should not feel pressured into making a decision that suits the parent doing the asking. When they are asked, this can help children feel more included, and that their views are being considered.
- The children’s interests should be the most important factor for you to consider.
Any arrangement for the children to spend time with either parent should be child centric, and child focussed.
It is good to ask yourself the following questions:
- What is best for our children?
- Would they enjoy a relaxed Christmas, or one full of chaos and mischief?
- Would the arrangements cause too much upheaval for them and cause them stress?
- Would they prefer blocks of time with each parent which includes Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, rather than the days being carved up?
- It is also worth considering when and how the children will see their extended families too, because to some children, that is just as important, especially where they often associate the Christmas period with time spent with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, they may not see much of during the year otherwise.
Even though it is easy to get wrapped up in the idea of the perfect Christmas, it is as important to consider that the children may not remember the exact number of days they spent with you every Christmas, but they will remember their parents arguing or fighting over who would see them and when. It is critical to keep matters as amicable as possible, and where disagreements do inevitably arise, they are kept as far away from the children as possible.
We hope you have found these questions useful, but if you do feel like you need some further advice and would like to discuss this with a member of our family law team, please give us a call at 01608 656590.